She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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