My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
