Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
