So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize