I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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