The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
