I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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