if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize