I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
