Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
