the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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