So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
