It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
