the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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