Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
