i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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