i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
