I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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