I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
