i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
