2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
