the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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