this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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