we're blogging at a bar
i think my mom watched the whole time
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
