I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
