just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
