I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
