You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
