these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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