I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
