I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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