what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
