my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
