Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize