you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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