I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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