i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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