Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
