wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
