Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
