Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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