ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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