giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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