My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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