Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
