i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You smell like stripper and shame
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
