There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
