Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
