Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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