I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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