I wanna bring you to show and tell
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
