Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
