I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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