I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Fuck appropriateness.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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