dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
