Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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