Nicole vs. Life
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
