phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
