Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
